here is what I will do:
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.
so. ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.
1. I have always been the black sheep, but that has never been more apparent than now. you only call me in the car on your way home, so I talk to you for ten minutes at a time, and only on the rarest of occasions. it was terribly unfortunate timing that the baby was born on my birthday. now I feel like I've been replaced, like I don't even have a place with you anymore. you left me a voicemail about me getting a niece for my birthday. for the first time in over a decade, you didn't even send a card. do you know how much it hurts to not belong with the people you're supposed to belong with?
2. I'm sorry that I don't ask questions or entertain conversations about your life now that you're with someone else. I hide you on Facebook sometimes too. even though I'm in love, I can't bear the idea of you with someone else. I know that's incredibly selfish, but there it is. I don't even feel like we're very good friends anymore, and I know that's my fault. so, for that, I'm sorry.
3. I wish I never met you. if I could have one wish, I would wish to erase the time I spent with you, because it was horrible and emotionally scarring.
4. I wish I never met you either. I moved across the country to escape the mental and emotional havoc you wreaked on me. I don't believe anything that comes out of your mouth, and I resent the fact that I was always good enough to fuck, but never good enough to love.
5. email me back, dammit! your place is still my first choice of places to live, even though I haven't seen it yet. the other one doesn't have an oven! come on, dude!
6. after spending so much time waiting for you to stop fucking around, getting over you was the healthiest thing I've done for myself in a long time.
7. fuck you, SSgt. Douchebag. the C stands for Cheston. Cheston. only because you desperately don't want anyone to know. Cheston.
8. I wish we hung out more! you're a fun person and we had a good time at the concert last year! I need more female friends.
9. speaking of... you're my best friend and I wish we lived closer to each other!
10. and finally, the good one: you are the love of my life, my sweet man. I don't need any of the people who let me down and hurt me; you're all the family I need. loving you is the easiest and best thing I've ever done, and I want to love you for the rest of my life.
Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label introspection. Show all posts
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
in which our heroine does a bit of evolving.
the afternoon Morgan came over, I had not spoken to Patrick in six days.
Patrick and I are seeing each other, but we are undefined. there is some physical distance between us, which complicates things. he has said that if it weren't for the distance, we'd be exclusively together without a doubt. he seems to like me a lot, and that feeling is very very mutual.
he was here visiting me two weekends ago because I had arranged for us to attend an event that I knew he'd love. and he did, very much. that event was on Sunday night; every minute of the weekend before that was completely wonderful.
he left Monday morning when I went to work. we exchanged a few texts on Monday and also a call that morning when he had questions about directions. and I had not heard a thing from him since.
this brings us to this past Sunday. the day that Morgan came over.
Morgan and I are not so much "undefined" as "undefinable". we've known each other for nearly ten years. we don't have a history; we have a History. a capital-H-istory. if each person is meant to have one great love in their entire life, then I am either fortunate or damned unlucky, depending on who you ask, because I have two. the second one is Adam, who is a whole other post; the first is Morgan. though I won't go into detail about Adam now, suffice it to say that Adam and Morgan are the yin and yang of my life. Adam is sweetness and romance and love and security; Morgan is captivation and lust and sex and addiction. reading back over that, I realize that my description of Morgan casts some horribly negative light on him. it's not that way at all. he and I have gone through a lot together, but we've come out the other side, finally, and we're really okay this time. I love Morgan, I'm sure, partly because I don't know how not to, but I know I don't ever want to learn.
over the course of Sunday afternoon, Morgan and I worked our way through a large bottle of sangria and (unintentionally) some of our past, both together and apart. I started to remember that one of the great things about him is that I feel like he sees the best version of me, and while I know I'm not that person, I very much want to be. thanks to the alcohol and the talking and the rest, we had a great day together.
the next night I was sitting here at the computer, like I tend to do every night, and Morgan and I were having a conversation over email. my mind was working away, like it tends to do. I was thinking about Patrick, wondering why he hadn't called, emailed, or even so much as sent a text message, and wondering when I'd hear from him...and it hit me out of nowhere: I deserve better than this. I was not going to sit by and just live with Patrick's silence until he felt like calling. I really like this guy and his behavior is strange and it's completely unacceptable for him to treat me this way. so, inspired, I fired off a reply to Morgan and shut down the computer. I then laid down, turned off the bedroom light, and called Patrick.
voice mail. same as I got the previous Monday and Tuesday nights when I called, before I stopped trying. with strength in my voice, I told him that I wasn't sure what he was going through or what was happening in his life at that moment, but...and then call waiting beeped and the display showed his name.
I hung up with his voice mail and clicked over to the voice itself. he started out the conversation acting somewhat like nothing was different. after initial pleasantries, however, I asked him what was wrong, why he hadn't returned my calls, why he'd seemingly dropped off the planet with regards to me (since I could see him updating his status and commenting to other folks on Facebook, at least I knew he was around, but it didn't sit right with me). he said things about needing space, about thinking a lot about him and me, where we were going. he hadn't come to any decisions yet, but I think I got him to understand that all he had to do was tell me this at the beginning of the previous week and I would have been okay with it, but cutting contact altogether was not cool. he apologized and we had a quick normal chat, but I don't know when we'll talk again. what I do know is that I stood up for myself, something that I've never been that good at, and all because I finally started to believe that it was okay to defend myself.
I'm slowly becoming a better version of myself. I hope Morgan is proud. I know I am.
Patrick and I are seeing each other, but we are undefined. there is some physical distance between us, which complicates things. he has said that if it weren't for the distance, we'd be exclusively together without a doubt. he seems to like me a lot, and that feeling is very very mutual.
he was here visiting me two weekends ago because I had arranged for us to attend an event that I knew he'd love. and he did, very much. that event was on Sunday night; every minute of the weekend before that was completely wonderful.
he left Monday morning when I went to work. we exchanged a few texts on Monday and also a call that morning when he had questions about directions. and I had not heard a thing from him since.
this brings us to this past Sunday. the day that Morgan came over.
Morgan and I are not so much "undefined" as "undefinable". we've known each other for nearly ten years. we don't have a history; we have a History. a capital-H-istory. if each person is meant to have one great love in their entire life, then I am either fortunate or damned unlucky, depending on who you ask, because I have two. the second one is Adam, who is a whole other post; the first is Morgan. though I won't go into detail about Adam now, suffice it to say that Adam and Morgan are the yin and yang of my life. Adam is sweetness and romance and love and security; Morgan is captivation and lust and sex and addiction. reading back over that, I realize that my description of Morgan casts some horribly negative light on him. it's not that way at all. he and I have gone through a lot together, but we've come out the other side, finally, and we're really okay this time. I love Morgan, I'm sure, partly because I don't know how not to, but I know I don't ever want to learn.
over the course of Sunday afternoon, Morgan and I worked our way through a large bottle of sangria and (unintentionally) some of our past, both together and apart. I started to remember that one of the great things about him is that I feel like he sees the best version of me, and while I know I'm not that person, I very much want to be. thanks to the alcohol and the talking and the rest, we had a great day together.
the next night I was sitting here at the computer, like I tend to do every night, and Morgan and I were having a conversation over email. my mind was working away, like it tends to do. I was thinking about Patrick, wondering why he hadn't called, emailed, or even so much as sent a text message, and wondering when I'd hear from him...and it hit me out of nowhere: I deserve better than this. I was not going to sit by and just live with Patrick's silence until he felt like calling. I really like this guy and his behavior is strange and it's completely unacceptable for him to treat me this way. so, inspired, I fired off a reply to Morgan and shut down the computer. I then laid down, turned off the bedroom light, and called Patrick.
voice mail. same as I got the previous Monday and Tuesday nights when I called, before I stopped trying. with strength in my voice, I told him that I wasn't sure what he was going through or what was happening in his life at that moment, but...and then call waiting beeped and the display showed his name.
I hung up with his voice mail and clicked over to the voice itself. he started out the conversation acting somewhat like nothing was different. after initial pleasantries, however, I asked him what was wrong, why he hadn't returned my calls, why he'd seemingly dropped off the planet with regards to me (since I could see him updating his status and commenting to other folks on Facebook, at least I knew he was around, but it didn't sit right with me). he said things about needing space, about thinking a lot about him and me, where we were going. he hadn't come to any decisions yet, but I think I got him to understand that all he had to do was tell me this at the beginning of the previous week and I would have been okay with it, but cutting contact altogether was not cool. he apologized and we had a quick normal chat, but I don't know when we'll talk again. what I do know is that I stood up for myself, something that I've never been that good at, and all because I finally started to believe that it was okay to defend myself.
I'm slowly becoming a better version of myself. I hope Morgan is proud. I know I am.
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