holidailies 2013: episode 10

My day started poorly: I was halfway done with my shower before I remembered that I took out the towel that was hanging up in the bathroom when I went to do laundry yesterday. So the hallway carpet is a bit wet right now from my quick trip to grab a new one. My roommate tends to turn the heat off during the day, despite the fact that I'm here during the day (because she is inconsiderate), so it was a pretty chilly run.

Work still isn't terribly busy, so I don't think I'll be able to get in any overtime today. Fun.

holidailies 2013: episode 9

My job is extremely feast or famine. Due to how things are scheduled by another department, we often run out of work at the end of the month, stretching easily a week into the new month, and then we suddenly get really busy. This month is no exception: I spent last week scrounging for hours (grateful that Thanksgiving weekend's two days of holiday pay will help offset that a little), and then I logged in this morning to find a call for voluntary overtime this week. The punchline is that we're still not that busy, so we need to wait til later in the week to do the overtime hours we've pledged. My problem is that I'm off on Friday (instead of my usual Wednesday, since the quarterly meeting and departmental holiday gathering is this week and in-office events are ALWAYS scheduled on my day off; I went back through two years of calendar events to prove this point to management when they asked what changes could be made to the department) and Saturdays are now ten-hour shifts for me, so I don't really have a ton of time available at the end of this week for extra hours. I know I'll figure it out somehow, like I always do, but it just adds to the stress of what is already a pretty stressful job.

In other news: I really can't wait til mid-January. When I had my eyes tested in October, the optometrist said I had some swelling in my left ocular nerve, and she set me up with a neuro-opthamologist in a somewhat nearby town (neuro-opthamology is apparently a rare specialty and as such there are only a few of these specialists in the metro area). She said it can cause intercranial pressure and that it can likely be treated with medication. She made a point to say I should really have it checked out, which of course concerned me. So that appointment is in January; I had it originally scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't take the time away from work that week. I've definitely noticed a difference in vision quality in my left eye, and it always feels like something's stuck in there (like an eyelash I can't get to), so I seriously cannot wait to have it looked at. 

holidailies 2013: episodde 8

It's been very rainy this week. Today is no exception. A huge storm system is coming toward us, so I'm going to leave my boyfriend's house (which is about an hour from me) in about an hour and a half so that I can try to beat it home.

I've disliked driving in the rain since I was in college. My first car accident was during Hurricane Opal in 1995, and I hope I never have a similar experience. I was on the interstate, and I hydroplaned and spun until I hit a guardrail head-on. Fortunately no other cars were involved in the accident, though I did find out later that a girl I went to high school with saw it happen and didn't stop. Nice, right?

Regardless, since  then I've avoided driving in the rain whenever possible. I'm especially hesitant these days, because I just bought a new (to me) car in April.

holidailies 2013: episode 7

I'm happy to be out of the house today. My roommate burned something this morning; it smelled like she spilled coffee on the still-hot plate, and it stunk up the entire house. I got another wicked headache and I started to feel sick. As a result, I left a bit earlier than I'd planned. I continue to think good thoughts for a new housing situation to make itself available to me soon.

We've had a relatively low-key day. He and his friend were recording their podcast for the week when I got here, so I hung out on the couch and played games on my phone. Then when that was done, I did some work while he messed around online. We eventually ordered Chinese for dinner, watched the last half of the Video Game Awards, and then started watching Arrested Development on Netflix. I have seen it several times, but he has not seen it ever and I decided that was an imbalance that must be corrected. I wasn't sure if it'd be his kind of show (since we seem to have differing tastes on most things), but he seems to find it funny, so that's a relief. Tomorrow will likely be more of the same, minus work (my newly-acquired second day off per week!).

holidailies 2013: episode 6

I started the day really wanting a do-over. I woke up with a crippling migraine at about 4:00 a.m. I tried unsuccessfully to sleep it off til about 6:30, then I got up to take something and I figured I might as well start work (good call, since the garage door opening as my roommate left would have shocked me out of sleep right then anyway). I walked out into the office area and was immediately assaulted by a scent cloud of cheap coffee, hairspray, and stank perfume (just like every morning, and it would have given me a headache if I didn't already have one). A short time later, I was petting one of her cats, the one who likes to bite; when he lunged at my hand, I reflexively yanked it back and smashed my wrist into the arm of my chair.

I turned the day around with a trip to Starbucks in the late afternoon, because I had a half-price code to use. Cheap giant latte! I really like their holiday drinks. The caramel brûlée latte and peppermint mocha (both hot and in frappuccino form) are fantastic. I have not yet had their remastered gingerbread latte, though I imagine I will before the end of the holiday season. 

Played more Crusader Kings 2 tonight. I loaded up the game, then I remembered that I wanted to put one of the expansions on my wish list. I went to the CK2 page on Steam and saw they had almost everything listed for 75% off, so I bought The Old Gods and Legacy of Rome for just under $5. Awesome. 

This weekend should be pretty good: though tomorrow is a ten-hour work day, I'll be heading to my boyfriend's house in the afternoon and staying until midday Sunday. The weekly breaks from my obnoxious roommate are very, very nice.

Randomly: An ex-boyfriend contacted me out of the blue last week to see how I was doing (at that point, it had been just over a year since my lying, cheating ex ended our three-year relationship while I was in the ER having an unstoppable anxiety attack about the fact that I had found out that he was cheating). I had honestly never expected to hear from him again, because when I'd talked to him the past few times, he seemed very uncomfortable and like he couldn't wait for the conversation to end. We emailed back and forth for a while until he gave me his number, and then we had a pretty nice two-hour chat, which was surprising given our tumultuous history, and I thought we might stay in touch now. Haven't heard from him since. Oh well.

holidailies 2013: episode 5

I decided not to go to the orthopedist about my wrist after all. The pain subsided Tuesday evening, so I figured I'd save the $25 copay and just go if/when it starts bothering me again. It was probably just a pinched nerve or some other temporary weirdness.

I still haven't gotten any further replies to my craigslist roommate ad. I really want to live in the house I mentioned earlier, but I don't know if that'll end up working out.

This entry is kind of boring. Apologies! Work is frying my brain.

As far as games go: I messed around with FEZ a little bit yesterday, having picked it up for cheap from the Steam sale. It's really cute and clever, but I don't have it in me to get all LOST-level fanatical about the deeper meanings. I did find a somewhat decent walkthrough that explains some of it, so eventually I can go "oh, neat" and then just play the game without having to delve into deciphering and things. What's really disappointing is that there don't seem to be any good LPs on it. Any given LPer I've tried watching is either clueless or they're really darn boring/unpleasant to watch/listen to. Too bad. If anyone has any suggestions, please share them!

holidailies 2013: episode 4

Crusader Kings 2 is the best game. The BEST.

I happened to get it in a Humble Bundle a few months ago, partly because one of my other Facebook/Steam friends had been playing it a lot and I thought it looked kind of neat (and for what I paid for the bundle, if it wasn't, so what? I'm out a few bucks that went to charity), but mostly because my boyfriend said there was a Game of Thrones mod for it. SOLD.

It was really hard to get started: Paradox's tutorials are notoriously crappy. I think my biggest mistake was starting with the GoT mod. I started as a random Westerosi character who then instantly got smacked down by...I think it was Robert Baratheon, actually...and then suddenly I had no land because his army completely owned me. Oops. So I consulted the internets (continued watching a bunch of Let's Plays about it) and started messing around in Ireland. I still wasn't totally sure what I was doing, so one of my boyfriend's friends, the one who is really into the game and has a few hundred hours invested, took us both through some basic starting strategies. And now...

I've got ninety hours played so far, and while I still haven't been able to form the Empire of Brittania on my Irish games (because England is always a dick), on my Norwegian game...

Let's just say that King Harald is, historically and in the game, a giant badass.

I've been playing this particular game for two days (so many holy wars!), and despite a little save-gave fuckery with stupid Scotland, this is my progress. I have all of Brittania, Iceland, the Scandinavian regions, and a number of territories to the west, and I've been starting to take chunks of Frankish, Spanish, and Polish holdings, and also screwing with the King of Hungary because it's really fun. But today is when I locked down Scandinavia. It's like "What'd you do today?" "Oh, not much. Did some laundry, ran a few errands, formed the Empire of Scandinavia. You know, the usual." I'd been playing as the Emperor of Brittania prior to forming Scandinavia, but this seemed more correct for a Norwegian ruler to have as his primary title. 

I think my next mission is to take out the Holy Roman Empire. That should be fun. Hard, but fun. I have the biggest army in the game world at the moment, but the HRE is no joke.

I've only played as Catholics so far, so I also really want to try playing as the Norse and the Tengri soon. Subjugation wars! Pagans! Yay!

holidailies 2013: episode 3

Not too much happened today. No further leads on a new place. I just spent the day working and making endless cups of tea.

Tomorrow I'm seeing my orthopedist in the morning, because my left wrist was really painful today in a disturbing way. I'm sure it's not broken (and I'm fairly certain I didn't injure it...though I do tend to run into doorjambs a lot), but stabbing pains shoot through it and my hand whenever I grab or squeeze anything (which made adding honey to my tea this morning an ordeal). At the same time that I hope it's nothing, I also kind of hope it's something, because something can theoretically be taken care of. Though this is a good example of the continuing healthcare problems in this country: I don't make a lot of money, and so I'm always loathe to go to the doctor if I don't have to (exceptions being ear infections and UTIs, because holy crap, those are both painful and I will immediately go in those cases). I even funded my FSA fully this year, but I'm still afraid to spend any of the money, because what if something happens and I need it?

A board I post on does a holiday card exchange every year, and I just got this year's distribution list. I'm excited! I got really cute seasonal cards. I don't celebrate Christmas and I generally dislike this time of year, but the card exchange is the highlight of the season for me. It's fun to get cards from all over the world.

holidailies 2013: episode 2

I mentioned yesterday that I was going to look at a possible new home in the afternoon.

The house was nice. The room she described (more on that in a minute) was huge, with an attached bath. She was also going to throw in a second fairly large room that I could use as an office without increasing the price we discussed prior. Because of work, community involvement, and social activities, she's almost never home. And she has a young Siberian cat who is adorable.

The problem is that her current tenant wouldn't let her into the bedroom to show me the space, so I wasn't able to see it. She said she wouldn't go in there until the tenant was moving out, which I can respect, because I'd want her to treat me and my space the same way if I lived there. Since yesterday was December 1st and since my current roommate requires me to give a month's notice at the beginning of a month, I asked if a move-in date of February 1st would work. She said she didn't know if she could go that long without the extra income. While I absolutely understand that, she likewise understands where I'm coming from: that, while I totally believe her when she tells me how nice the bedroom and bathroom are, I'm not comfortable giving notice on my current place and signing a lease for something sight unseen. So we left it at this: her current tenant is supposed to be moving out next week. If she doesn't find a new renter by around December 20th, I asked her to let me know, and I'd give my notice on January 1st and move in by the beginning of February.

I hope it works out, because I feel like this would be a dream situation for me (right location, attached bathroom, the bonus office space, quiet, mostly alone in the house, pool!, KITTY!). The reality of the situation is that she might not even have time to get someone in there by January 1st: she wants to paint the room beforehand, because a previous renter asked to paint but only got so far as putting primer up, and she said her current tenant is a messy, disgusting nightmare, so who knows what condition the room is in. Since she has such a busy schedule, she might not have a chance to make everything happen that needs to before she brings in a new tenant. So maybe? She seemed to like me and want me to move in, so I'm remaining realistic but still slightly hopeful.

holidailies 2013: episode 1

Thought I'd try this yet again. Let's see...

Currently I am trying to move out of my terrible housemate's home. It's too far north, and my housemate is a unfriendly, hostile tyrant. Fortunately, I have a lead on a place that I am going to look at this afternoon!

I know this is a pretty short post, but I'm just about to walk out the door to see this place. More tomorrow!

in which our heroine begins working through a meme.

here is what I will do:

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

so. ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.

1. I have always been the black sheep, but that has never been more apparent than now. you only call me in the car on your way home, so I talk to you for ten minutes at a time, and only on the rarest of occasions. it was terribly unfortunate timing that the baby was born on my birthday. now I feel like I've been replaced, like I don't even have a place with you anymore. you left me a voicemail about me getting a niece for my birthday. for the first time in over a decade, you didn't even send a card. do you know how much it hurts to not belong with the people you're supposed to belong with?

2. I'm sorry that I don't ask questions or entertain conversations about your life now that you're with someone else. I hide you on Facebook sometimes too. even though I'm in love, I can't bear the idea of you with someone else. I know that's incredibly selfish, but there it is. I don't even feel like we're very good friends anymore, and I know that's my fault. so, for that, I'm sorry.

3. I wish I never met you. if I could have one wish, I would wish to erase the time I spent with you, because it was horrible and emotionally scarring.

4. I wish I never met you either. I moved across the country to escape the mental and emotional havoc you wreaked on me. I don't believe anything that comes out of your mouth, and I resent the fact that I was always good enough to fuck, but never good enough to love.

5. email me back, dammit! your place is still my first choice of places to live, even though I haven't seen it yet. the other one doesn't have an oven! come on, dude!

6. after spending so much time waiting for you to stop fucking around, getting over you was the healthiest thing I've done for myself in a long time.

7. fuck you, SSgt. Douchebag. the C stands for Cheston. Cheston. only because you desperately don't want anyone to know. Cheston.

8. I wish we hung out more! you're a fun person and we had a good time at the concert last year! I need more female friends.

9. speaking of... you're my best friend and I wish we lived closer to each other!

10. and finally, the good one: you are the love of my life, my sweet man. I don't need any of the people who let me down and hurt me; you're all the family I need. loving you is the easiest and best thing I've ever done, and I want to love you for the rest of my life.

in which our heroine starts Holidailies 2010

in just under the wire! I have nothing of actual substance to say now, so...more tomorrow.

in which our heroine wakes you up before she go-goes.

(it sounded funny at the time.)

yesterday was a milestone in my life. it was the first year that I have been at the same job for an entire calendar year. it's sort of strange that I've been working since I was eighteen and this is only now happening, but so be it. it makes things much quicker at tax time, that's for sure. it is also the longest I've ever been at one company, and in four more months, I will have been at my job for two full years. I think that's pretty great. I still love it every day and I love that I can leave work at work and keep home life for myself. I think that's also pretty great.

when I was getting ready to leave work yesterday afternoon, at around 1:30 p.m., I had been bumming hard for reasons unknown. just...life stresses, I suppose. on my way out I went through the warehouse, saying goodbye and happy new year to two of the three owners (one is on vacation), a couple of the shipping guys, and one of the proofreaders. our office dog came up to say goodbye too, and I got in the last few doggy snuggles of the year.

the shouts of "goodbye" and "good work today" and "happy new year!" lifted the fog of moodiness and brought a smile to my face as I pushed through the warehouse door to the outside world. the bright winter sun hit my eyes and, while I shaded them, my smile turned into a grin. I walked through the crisp air and I thought, you know what? my life might suck sometimes, but it's still my life, and I'm living it as well as I can, and that's something to be thankful for. and so I'm trying to be.

last night I lit a candle for all of us, in the hopes that it shines light on some goodness and hope in this coming year. I wish you all health and happiness, luck and love. kiss your significant others, hug your friends and family, give snuggles right back to the animals who love you unconditionally, and believe.

happy new year, everyone.

(this post was chosen by the Holidailies panel as a "Best of Holidailies" selection -- my second one for the season. thanks again!)

in which our heroine puts that sh*t on everything.

(heh. I've been eating a lot of chicken with Frank's RedHot for dinner lately.)

well, the first round of cookies is done.

this year I decided to make gingerbread cookies and sugar cookies, with some kind of icing and decoration on them.

the gingerbread recipe is a good one, I think, but the cookies did not turn out flavorful enough for me. whether that's from using store-bought spices or the amounts not being enough, I'm not sure. I'm going to try adding another half-measurement of each spice to the dough I make tonight.

also, the directions said to chill the dough for an hour, but it was still a big pain to work with. since I think the consistency ended up just fine in the final product, I'm going to keep the dough in the refrigerator for two hours this time, and maybe work with smaller batches at a time.

the sugar cookie recipe is very basic and I don't think it makes the cookies sweet enough, but with the icing on them, they should be fine. the same chilling time changes will apply to this dough as well.

the cookie cutters are cute, but they were hard to get out of the sticky dough. if the added time in the refrigerator doesn't solve that, maybe I will try a light coating of flour inside the cutters.

and the icing. dear god.

I decided to try royal icing for these cookies since it's supposed to harden well. the usual way to make it (apparently) is cold water, egg whites and confectioner's sugar. initially I was going to make it with meringue powder instead of egg whites (I cannot remember the reasoning behind this decision), but then I discovered that you can't just walk into your average grocery store and buy meringue powder. apparently it is sold at party stores and craft stores and wherever specialty baking stuff is also sold. whatever, I don't have the time or desire to hunt it down, so I went with egg whites.

however, I thought I was so smart when I picked up a carton of egg whites as opposed to separating them from the yolks of actual eggs. I got the carton home and that's when I noticed on the side that due to however it's processed, it's not good to use for meringues, presumably because normal use would require them to be cooked. I looked at the recipe I had and it said that if there were concerns about salmonella, the egg whites could be mixed with a third of the sugar needed and microwave it to 160º before adding the rest of the sugar. so I stood by the microwave with a meat thermometer (I know, wtf! but I don't own one for candy and they both measure temperature, so I figured it was fine enough), heating the mixture for thirty seconds at a time and then seeing if it was hot enough. it looked very much like meringue when I was finished heating it, but I beat it into oblivion with the rest of the sugar.

what I probably should have done is sifted the sugar in and used my mixer to beat the icing, but since I did neither of those things, the sugar was lumpy and the icing ridiculously sticky. it's supposed to harden overnight (...that's what she said...), but I looked at it this morning and it's still sticky.

I divided the icing into small batches and added some food coloring to each (I think this part turned out just fine!). I did sugar cookie wreaths in green, bells in red, and what I think were supposed to be doves in blue (it sounds strange but it looks kinda cool). I put non-colored icing on the sugar cookie candle shapes and shook peppermint-flavored sparkling sugar on top. the other cookies got, respectively, red nonpariels, green nonpariels, and rainbow sprinkles. I couldn't find any of the silver balls that I wanted to use (apparently those shouldn't be eaten, but whatever). by the time I was done with the sugar cookies, I just didn't have the energy to do the gingerbread, so they are still plain.

I don't think the icing was the consistency to be put through the decorator gun, but maybe I can work with that on the next batch, because I really want to use this new toy! I also added a drop of vanilla to the icing, and I think I liked that.

the cookies turned out ugly but tasty. maybe I'll take some pictures when I do this next round today.

(edit: I went to Evil Walmart at lunch and, surprise surprise, found meringue powder! so I'll be trying that tonight, with the vanilla added because supposedly the icing made this way doesn't taste as good. I also got some more sparkling sugar and some gold and silver glazes, plus one of those little offset spatulas to help spread the icing better. I was using the back of a spoon, with less-than-sexy results.)

in which our heroine does not understand the fascination with Manolo Blahniks.

I went and bought my cookie baking-and-decorating paraphernalia this morning and the ingredients at the store on the way home. I plan to be all bakey bakey this weekend! yay!

I feel sort of like today kicked my ass, but I'm not sure why. general sense of doom, I suppose.

I do have things that I want to write about, but I have thus far failed to get into the right frame of mind to put them into the journal. I'm lame, I know. but my wrist (sprained in September, if you'll recall) has been acting up lately and I have been spending less time online and more time having Sex and the City marathons. I desperately need the sixth season (both parts) and the movie. both are wonderful and it's truly tragic that I do not own those DVDs.

anyway. bed now. I hope to sleep late. which reminds me: I'd better go feed the cats so that I have a better chance of that happening.

in which our heroine prepares to get her bake on.

I'm being a total lazy punk ass about the cards so far. I'm sure I'll be bored enough at some point this weekend to crank them out. go to my last post and give me your address if you haven't already.

I'm still feeling yucky, dizzy and all that, but I think it'll get better soon. I've finally got all my pills again after a good week or so without.

it's so damn humid in Atlanta lately, with all this rain. I'm dying in my upstairs apartment, with my hormonal issues that are bad when things are normal and worse when they are not. I put lotion on earlier, and since I'm now sweating, it's not really absorbed so much as made me feel greasy and icky. I'm not going to bother changing the flannel sheets for something cooler, since it's supposed to be back in autumn/winter-ish temperatures again on Monday. so it's just a few more nights of sleeping in very little clothing under no covers and waking up with my hair damp from sweat. fabulous!

on the bright side, I believe I will be making gingerbread and/or sugar cookies to take to my brother's house next weekend. I have this idea that I want to make the cookies look all cute, so I intend to go to Bed Bath & Beyond tomorrow for cookie cutters and a dessert decorator (one of my co-workers is a big fan of the one I linked). I have a coupon for 20% off my entire purchase, so I'm going to use it! I hope to get started baking this weekend sometime.

and now...bed!

in which our heroine says "happy holidays, f*ckers".

this morning on Facebook, one of my friends (a guy I know from high school days, who was a friend of a friend) had the following status message:

<friend> says CHRISTMAS not holiday.

I felt a rant coming, and I posted this comment in reply:

I find it extremely arrogant when people think their way is the only, true way. whether "merry Christmas" or "happy holidays" or simply "have a nice day", why not just say "you too" and appreciate the spirit in which it was intended, rather than getting bent out of shape over something that's, let's face it, a non-issue?

and I really got pissed off about it. this is one more example of some believers (unfortunately the ugly-bile-spewing loud ones) making their entire religion look bad.

you guys know that I am very much an advocate of "believe what you want, but don't push those beliefs on others". insisting that Christmas is the only holiday being celebrated during this time of the year is not only arrogant, it's, of course, factually incorrect. and to insist that your holiday is the only one that should be recognized, when people of faiths OLDER THAN YOURS are not acting similarly assholish, is despicable and embarrassing to the less moronic followers of said religion. you sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting "lalalalala" and refusing to accept these things as facts does not actually make them untrue.

I am not a Christian. I say that I do not celebrate Christmas, I go along with Christmas because it's just less of a hassle in my family to do that. but if someone tells me "merry Christmas", I am polite enough to wish them the same and go on with life. it's similar to being told "have a nice day" by a cashier at the end of a transaction. if you're actually having a crappy day, does it detract from the intended sentiment? no. it's just what you say. one could even argue that saying "happy holidays" or "have a nice day" is completely meaningless (like asking someone "how are you?" when really you're just being polite by asking or filling time on a customer service call or something). I don't see why it's so damn difficult to just say "you too" without getting tangled up in semantics and taking it as a personal attack on your practiced faith.

I see statements like "happy holidays", or the more religious versions, simply as kindness. and really, in the world we're currently living in, shouldn't we accept kindness when and where it is given? shouldn't we just...be more accepting?

in which our heroine posts quickly before bed.

today I received gifts from two of my friends. the gifts were sweet and thoughtful and, in the case of one, delicious, and in another, hilariously awesome.

note to self: do not dose the cardboard scratcher with catnip before bed. the cats will go demented.

in which our heroine answers the question that no one else bothered to answer.

well, I said I'd post about how the poor economy is affecting my life, so here goes.

things are hard for me during the best of times. while I love my job, it doesn't pay all that much. but right now...

I work for a small, local, family-owned company. we've been doing okay, but only just okay. business through the summer was good, it started to dwindle in the fall, and in the past two months it's been very depressing. we'll come in on a Monday to find seventy orders, when normally at this time of year (the last-minute party invitation shoppers, et cetera) we'd have double that and we'd be pushing hard to get out on time. (I remember working a decent amount of overtime last holiday season, completely willingly, since the extra money was so needed.) I came in today to fifteen orders. fifteen orders between 3:30 p.m. yesterday and 7:30 a.m. today. that's terrible. things do slow down some by the end of the week, but normally we'd have at least sixty.

we used to be the top search result on Google for "invitations". maybe we have stopped paying Google for that, but I've noticed that now we're not even on the first page of results. I wonder how much of our business slump is related to that, and how much is just plain old "this economy stinks and not many people have money to blow on unnecessary things".

we're running as lean as we can without (for the most part) sacrificing productivity. the owners let one of the IT guys go and cut all the part-time employees' hours. in my department, when we've run out of our own work to do, we try to help other departments, but some days we just have to leave early. this, of course, affects my paycheck. those early afternoons really do add up to a good chunk of money that I don't see, which just stretches things even more. I've thought about looking for a second job, but there's really nothing out there.

between that and all this stupid fraud stuff I'm dealing with at my bank, I have zero free cash. absolutely none. example: I posted last weekend about having to suddenly pay the power company a bunch of money. that left me with, seriously, fourteen dollars to my name for a week and a half. so far I've used five bucks for gas (and I'm already running on empty again), about six bucks has been used to feed the cats and myself (do you know how hard it is to feed yourself for several days on three dollars? I'm eating pasta for days), and the other three bucks is being reserved probably for Monday morning, so I can stop at a gas station on the way to work...that is, if I can make it to a gas station. I've barely been eating anything at home, because I put off grocery shopping for as long as I could -- I've been eating whatever is available at work. there's always a ton of stuff there, but it's all junk food (for example, I've had brownies for breakfast two days in a row because one of the owners brought them in and I ran out of oatmeal and couldn't replace it).

there have been, so far, two holiday parties given by co-workers that I've been invited to. one was last night, and one was the previous Thursday. when the invitations first got posted, I said I'd go to both. at the time, I had a tiny bit of spending money, enough to buy a couple of small gifts for charity (both hosts were collecting for one of our local charities and I really wanted to give to that) and an ornament for the exchange yesterday. but after all this, I skipped out on both and felt horrible about it. I ended up saying I wasn't feeling well for both nights (which really isn't too far from the truth; the stress is hell on my stomach) because I didn't think it was appropriate to show up empty-handed and I was too embarrassed to admit that I couldn't afford to participate. the first host said she missed me there; the second sent a small bag of gifts home with another co-worker to give to me today. I'm going to send them both something next week if I'm able; I hope to do a little bit of holiday baking if I find that I have the cash to do so.

then today we were told that we are having our office holiday potluck on Tuesday at lunch. the owners are providing the ham and turkey, and we're asked to bring sides and desserts. after wishing these types of things could be planned for a day or two after we get paid, I went into the bathroom and cried because I can't afford to buy or make anything to contribute. I'm going to feel like a freeloader on Tuesday, and I hate that (despite what I said above about eating stuff at work, I don't eat any more than anyone else does). but what are my options? I guess I could go get some cupcakes or something from evil Wal-mart after depositing my paycheck before the potluck, and now that I think of that, maybe I will. but...that's not the point.

the point is that I hate this season and I hate being poor and I hate how it makes me feel: embarrassed and inadequate and like a failure and...just so desperately sad.

so...in conclusion: being poor sucks, being poor this time of year sucks, this economy sucks, and I'm just going to ignore all the emo shit in the last paragraph because I'll feel like drinking myself into a fucking coma if I dwell on it again even for a minute.

(this post was chosen by the Holidailies panel as a "Best of Holidailies" selection. thanks, you guys!)

in which our heroine asks a question of her audience.

how is the crappy economy affecting your life right now?

I will post my own answer tomorrow.