in which our heroine answers the question that no one else bothered to answer.

well, I said I'd post about how the poor economy is affecting my life, so here goes.

things are hard for me during the best of times. while I love my job, it doesn't pay all that much. but right now...

I work for a small, local, family-owned company. we've been doing okay, but only just okay. business through the summer was good, it started to dwindle in the fall, and in the past two months it's been very depressing. we'll come in on a Monday to find seventy orders, when normally at this time of year (the last-minute party invitation shoppers, et cetera) we'd have double that and we'd be pushing hard to get out on time. (I remember working a decent amount of overtime last holiday season, completely willingly, since the extra money was so needed.) I came in today to fifteen orders. fifteen orders between 3:30 p.m. yesterday and 7:30 a.m. today. that's terrible. things do slow down some by the end of the week, but normally we'd have at least sixty.

we used to be the top search result on Google for "invitations". maybe we have stopped paying Google for that, but I've noticed that now we're not even on the first page of results. I wonder how much of our business slump is related to that, and how much is just plain old "this economy stinks and not many people have money to blow on unnecessary things".

we're running as lean as we can without (for the most part) sacrificing productivity. the owners let one of the IT guys go and cut all the part-time employees' hours. in my department, when we've run out of our own work to do, we try to help other departments, but some days we just have to leave early. this, of course, affects my paycheck. those early afternoons really do add up to a good chunk of money that I don't see, which just stretches things even more. I've thought about looking for a second job, but there's really nothing out there.

between that and all this stupid fraud stuff I'm dealing with at my bank, I have zero free cash. absolutely none. example: I posted last weekend about having to suddenly pay the power company a bunch of money. that left me with, seriously, fourteen dollars to my name for a week and a half. so far I've used five bucks for gas (and I'm already running on empty again), about six bucks has been used to feed the cats and myself (do you know how hard it is to feed yourself for several days on three dollars? I'm eating pasta for days), and the other three bucks is being reserved probably for Monday morning, so I can stop at a gas station on the way to work...that is, if I can make it to a gas station. I've barely been eating anything at home, because I put off grocery shopping for as long as I could -- I've been eating whatever is available at work. there's always a ton of stuff there, but it's all junk food (for example, I've had brownies for breakfast two days in a row because one of the owners brought them in and I ran out of oatmeal and couldn't replace it).

there have been, so far, two holiday parties given by co-workers that I've been invited to. one was last night, and one was the previous Thursday. when the invitations first got posted, I said I'd go to both. at the time, I had a tiny bit of spending money, enough to buy a couple of small gifts for charity (both hosts were collecting for one of our local charities and I really wanted to give to that) and an ornament for the exchange yesterday. but after all this, I skipped out on both and felt horrible about it. I ended up saying I wasn't feeling well for both nights (which really isn't too far from the truth; the stress is hell on my stomach) because I didn't think it was appropriate to show up empty-handed and I was too embarrassed to admit that I couldn't afford to participate. the first host said she missed me there; the second sent a small bag of gifts home with another co-worker to give to me today. I'm going to send them both something next week if I'm able; I hope to do a little bit of holiday baking if I find that I have the cash to do so.

then today we were told that we are having our office holiday potluck on Tuesday at lunch. the owners are providing the ham and turkey, and we're asked to bring sides and desserts. after wishing these types of things could be planned for a day or two after we get paid, I went into the bathroom and cried because I can't afford to buy or make anything to contribute. I'm going to feel like a freeloader on Tuesday, and I hate that (despite what I said above about eating stuff at work, I don't eat any more than anyone else does). but what are my options? I guess I could go get some cupcakes or something from evil Wal-mart after depositing my paycheck before the potluck, and now that I think of that, maybe I will. but...that's not the point.

the point is that I hate this season and I hate being poor and I hate how it makes me feel: embarrassed and inadequate and like a failure and...just so desperately sad.

so...in conclusion: being poor sucks, being poor this time of year sucks, this economy sucks, and I'm just going to ignore all the emo shit in the last paragraph because I'll feel like drinking myself into a fucking coma if I dwell on it again even for a minute.

(this post was chosen by the Holidailies panel as a "Best of Holidailies" selection. thanks, you guys!)